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Saturday, April 4, 2009
It's funny to go back on here and read about all the stupid crap I did. It's a nice reminder of the good ole days haha.
Anyways.....grown up more and more everyday.....I'll be entering graduate school in the fall. I don't think anyone in my extended family got their Masters. I may be the first *knock on wood*.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
i moved to arizona. and i got a job on my 3rd day here. kinda sweet.
im really missing my friends though. living here rent free with my aunt is cool and all but im 22 and been living outta the house the last 3 years so it's a change. and i went to this bar with her. while she's a hot piece of ass for a 35 year old (she looks like shes 24), it was weird hanging out with her. I couldnt/cant be how i normally am ya know.
im hoping SOMEONE moves down here with me so i can rent a house. rent for a 1 bedroom/1bath is about 800 bucks. rent for 2 people is about 1150 (which comes to 575 a person). What I really want to do is rent a house. I can rent a 3 bedroom/2bath house with a pool for 1500 a month. Def need someone to come down here with me cause I can't afford that on my own.
i was really disappointed that i left but happy at the same time. Knowing that I was leaving, i would have thought Cody woulda at least try to see me but it wasn't meant to be. what a douche seriously.
im coming back december 11th-15th. im hoping to have embarked on some major changes in my life.
Current mood:  cranky
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
1:40AM
i'm trying so hard to move on..... but it's not working
AND NOW
it seems like he's talking to his ex again. I know he loved her and she betrayed him (cheated on him then had a kid with another guy) and i realize he has a big heart but i cant help but be threatened by her. I know I am a better person by leaps and bounds but i dont know why but it seems like im not what he's looking for?
it hurts me cause it seems like they're talking again. he doesnt call me anymore. yet i still want him.
i really am trying to move on and be strong but he's so worth the fight. if he gets back with her ill be crushed.
Current mood:  confused
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Teardrops on my guitar
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
[Repeat Chorus]
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
Current mood: frustrated
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
"Realize"
[V1:] Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.
It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
OoOoOOo
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Realize
Realize
Realize
Current mood:  lonely
Thursday, January 17, 2008
i hate it up here.
im bored to tears, im sick of school, im tired of the same shit.
and i have to come back for one more semester next fall. fuck me.
i dont even kno why i transferred here. i thought it would be fun cause my alma friends were 15 minutes away but i hardly see them. we all got different things goin on and whatnot so its understandable.
greg's girlfriend is getting more clingy so i hardly see him anymore let alone talk to him.
The cody situation is a done deal. Nothing is gonna happen. he's a make out buddy
shfsldgflashfalcsfhsadhnfsahnfcksjhndfjdsa
i just want to get out of here
Current mood: cranky
Monday, December 31, 2007
12:04AM
why do things never work out for me?
i finally called cody today. i was texting andy yesterday and andy told me that cody said hi and that he said we should see a movie. I got all excited to call him after work but then I actually talked to him for a quick second where he told me he might be possibly be moving to florida in a couple of months. This totally knocked the wind out of me.
When it comes to my love life, I have been so disappointed so many times that I wonder what the good Lord is thinking upstairs. I've kept my morals and values the same for the most part(minus the semester at alma) but i feel like ive kept them for nothing. People say it will come, but when damnit. Im 22 years old. What the fuck. Ive had the bottom of the bottom and when I finally saw some light (Cody), things don't turn out as I would hoped. I don't know what else to do. I'm really distraught/upset/angry/hurt/disappointed.
I know that it's not a done deal with Cody leaving yet but with they way things work I can guarantee he'll be moving and staying. That's just the way things go for me.
i hate this
Current mood: melancholy
Sunday, December 9, 2007
i don't understand people sometimes, especially my generation. Now a days "true love" I think is a thing in the past. I mean divorce rates are at an all time high, people cheat on other people, babies are being born out of wedlock more often. I'm just sick of this shit
My friend laura called me crying today telling me she just found out her boyfriend cheated on her back in May. This is why i have so many trust issues. I have a lot of friends and just about every single one of them has gotten hurt. And what for??
I know as much as I want a boyfriend, I'm better off being by myself because I'm afraid to get hurt. People aren't respectful anymore. What makes it worse is that the girl Jeff was cheating on Laura with knew he had a girlfriend. I just don't get it. As much as you like him, he has a girl so back the fuck off. I just don't get these girls. Even on the real world that ugly little mouse Ashley had sex with Dunbar when she knew he had a girlfriend. I know it's stupid to bring that up but I've seen it so many times it makes me sick. I could never be that person. I've liked someone who has had a girlfriend but I never crossed that line because I wouldn't want to be the girl on the other end.
Just end it. Why put someone through that??? UESLKFDGHDSRVHTSLDNGLFDHDUDHYOIUFHYIRHYOIRHYRSOIHYSOIURHYSOUI!! This just makes me sooooo angry
Current mood:  pissed off
Friday, December 7, 2007
i miss cody. like a lot. i know i should move on but i just cant. I feel like we have unfinished business. Mayb things would be different if i was at home and not away at school. I just don't know. But I mean when we were first dating he was all about calling me and things like that now he doesn't anymore. That makes me think I was more of a rebound girl. I try to be slick and get things out of his friend Andy but Andy doesn't give me any helpful info.
I haven't done as well as I would have liked for school this semester. I mean i'll end with a 3.2 which isn't bad but I could ahve done so much better. I was to busy worrying about Cody in the beginning of the semester that i didn't really care about school and would be skipping class a lot so I could come home early and hang out with him.
I hope I see him over New Years just cause I haven't seen him since August. Then i'm goin to throw myself into school and losing weight. I'm trying that nutrisystem diet thing. I just can't be heavy anymore. I'm still about 50 lbs heavier than I was in high school. I know I'm always gonna have a lil junk in my trunk but im fine with that. More cushion for the pushin lol. I seriously think I've gained 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks and it's no joke either. I made a cookies tuesday, all gone by thursday. I kno it's the depression/stress but everyone gets depressed/stressed so I gotta get over it. I'm just tired of being heavy. So for the second semester at school I'll be doin the nutrisystem thing which should get me down about 20 lbs and then over the summer I'm gonna get with the trainer amanda had last summer and I should be at my high school weight, maybe even a lil less by the end of the summer.
i mean i kno looks arent evrything but im realistic and realize that u have to be somewhat attracted to the person. cant tell u the number of times ive heard "shes awesome, great personality, i really like her just not attracted to her or you've got a pretty face". im sick of that shit.
im so keen on finding a man now cause ive been single for about 3 years now. Last real meaningful relationship was back in high school. The last 3 years i think the longest relationship ive held was 6 months. i feel like im finally settled in my life- i kno what i want to do with my life and where im going- and so im ready to settle. i have to stop reading romance novels cause thats when i get all depressed that i dont have someone.
blah.
Current mood: aggravated
Monday, October 15, 2007
1:16AM
i guess im just not good enough. in anything or for anyone.
maybe i should just become a slut and sleep around. im sorry if i have morals.
FUCK THIS.
Current mood:  depressed
Monday, July 23, 2007
i dont know why i dont listen to my instincts more. my ability to read men has always been 99% right and this case was no exception yet for some reason I doubted myself. Never will I do that again. . until the next guy anyways lol. I am somewhat happy with myself that I didn't lower my standards because if I did anything with him I would probably go back to the way I was at Alma and drink my problems away and become more depressed and encased in myself which is scary. As it is I feel sickened I even kissed him.
going back to therapy. . and by therapy i mean physical therapy not mental thank u. . .has really helped. ive lost a couple of pounds and i really notice in my arms and legs that im slowly gettin that muscle back and that has been so helpful for me. while my self esteem is no where close to being where it was, im feeling somewhat better. what also helps is i have a new found friend at work who always puts a smile on my face and is a really uplifting person to be around. its been so long since ive heard someone say im pretty and that is such a self esteem booster for me because not to toot my own horn but i am a very nice, genuine, fun person to hang out with (well at least my old self was) and meeting these guys but just falling short because i have a "baby" on board is frustrating as a mother fucker (and im not really preggers i just call my huge stomach my baby). I miss the old me and I want her back. im on the path to getting her back, im just hoping i dont fall short as usual.
adios
Sunday, July 8, 2007
i am so sick of feeling like it's always my fault and you never taking responsibility for anything. u tell me during the week that we should go on a date and that u want to hang out with me blah blah so when i call u, your ass is at a party and when i tell u im gonna call when im on my way, you dont pick up the phone and 2 hours after im supposed to be there, i call u for the 4th time and when u answer u act like i just didnt want to come over. #1 thank you for caring so much that the first thing out of your mouth is what the f*ck are u doing why arent u here instead of are you ok cause u were supposed to be here 2 hours ago. #2 it would also be nice if you finally got your shit together because after all you are 28 years old and should be a little better off than you are now. if you had your stuff together, you would have been able to call me and ask where i was at instead of me trying to call u 49375493754935743 times because u didnt pay the phone bill and all u can get are incoming calls. ur ass should have been working tonight making 50 bucks instead of wasting money on booze and gas so i dont want to hear your sob stories about how u have no money.
this is so fucking frustrating that it's becoming draining. when i try to ignore u, u come back at me with the sweetest things and i foolishly fall for it every single time thinking that he's finally gonna get it. u always tease how much of a pimp u are and tell your boys the tricks of how to get a girl to do the things u want yet u really dont know anything at all. you're boy tells me you want a good girl yet when shes right in front of u, and u dont fucking see it. i dont know if it's because ur just playing games or if u really dont know what to do. my past has taught me to be extremely guarded which u already know, yet it seems like u dont make the effort. im sorry but i dont consider coming over your house at 11 at nite a date. i dont feel like im a high maintence type girl, i understand that money is tight and im not asking to be taken out every damn day but for goodness sakes can we go somewhere other than your house?
i really feel as if u just dont know what to do but theres always that lil voice in the back of my head that says ur a player. u come at me telling me u feel like im playing games when that is not the case at all. everytime we talk about our last arguement u always point the fault with me and im tired of it. it's so easy to get u off my mind but then 2/3 weeks later ill see u and it's like the fights never happened.ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i just want to punch something sometimes this is so aggravating.
on a good and positive note, im getting back on track somewhat with my workout routines. today was my first day of running in like 2 and a half years and while i could only run for like 2 minutes, im hoping to get back to my mile by the end of the summer. it's a big big task especially since my legs were burning after a minute but it's a start. even though it's been 2 days, i've been eating better.
Current mood: aggravated
Sunday, June 24, 2007
i kno we all have a plan in life but i seriously wonder when hints will be coming my way. . . .
career wise im set. i had my revelation when i went to arizona 2 years ago. that was pretty easy. relationship wise im a complete mess.
why is it so hard to meet someone. those i meet are completely the wrong ones. my time at Alma taught me what not to do in order to get a guy. I regret everything I did there but there's nothing I can do to change it. At least I only had to deal with that situation for a year. Im currently in a year and a half rut.
ive tried and tried to diffuse myself from the john w situation. as ive stated many many times hes all wrong for me. we've been through this before. we fight, dont talk for awhile but then somehow we accidentally bump into one another and hash it out. once again we got into it last wednesday and he got pissed and started saying things like i wanna talk to u for real this time every other time ive just wanted to f*ck. so once again i mentally cleared him from my mind and once again i bumped into him at a party and wouldnt ya know it we started talking again. this time was different though. while ive kept him at a distance, something about saturday just made me actually have goosebumps. it wasnt because it was cold outside. . i had a jacket and was hot. after hashing it out he kept getting a lil closer to me and i actually felt it in the pit of my stomach which has never happened and now i cant stop thinking about him again.
i try my hardest to move on and forget but somehow it keeps coming back to him. there have been others ive really liked and seemed to have liked me but they have become dead ends. i really thought there was something between me and jon L but i asked him to the movies today and he said he had to work till 10. number 1 it's a sunday and most stores arent open till 10 and so his work was on my way to the movies so around 900 i passed by and wouldnt u know it not a single car in the parking lot.
why is it that something that seems so right ends up being so wrong and something so wrong seems so right?????
i just hate this feeling of not knowing what to do. this sucks
Current mood: aggravated
Monday, April 16, 2007
2:29PM
interesting weekend. went to canada for rachel's bday. i probably shouldnt have gotten up at 730 that morning cause i was really tired.
jon came. that made me really happy. he quit work though so that reallllllllllly sucks. it kinda knocked the wind out of me. now i dont look forward to working there anymore.
maybe this might change things with us though. i knew he was bored saturday cause he was the only boy and the girls were being dramatic. he didnt say anything on the way back home and when we went back to his house to pick up my car he seemed like he was gonna hug me but i didnt know so we didnt. im hoping i can lose a lil weight b4 i hang out with him again. im doin somewhat better with exercising. school is almost out so once i get home ill b on track.
man. i really like that kid.
Current mood:  contemplative
Monday, April 2, 2007
10:04PM
i really like him.
Current mood:  giddy
Monday, March 26, 2007
funny how feelings can change.
for the past couple weeks ive been struggling with what to do about the whole john situation. i get so caught up in that situation that i forget what i really want.
i was watching inside 9/11 last nite and it just made me think. Those husbands who called their wives and told them they loved them was very emotional for me. I've always been a firm believer in the fact that there is true love. . u just have to work at it and have some luck along the way. I'm an old fashioned romantic at heart and I've always felt that one day my prince charming would come and rescue me.
watching that last nite just put everything into perspective. what the hell was i thinking getting involved with someone who is obviously not my equal whatsoever and could never give me what i want. When we parted that Sunday before I came back up to school from Spring Break he made the comment how he wants to be with me but at the same time doesn't want to feel like he's dating a kid either (the whole me not having sex till marriage deal). Just because I am not having sex does not mean I am a kid. 13 year olds are out having sex. . does that make them an adult? HELL to the NO.
I wish i could always watch that movie every time I'm around him because even though I say NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, i get sucked into that world of insecurity and the need to feel special. I'm taking the right steps in separting myself from him but it is hard since we do work at the same place.
im such an idiot sometimes it's sick.
Current mood: thoughtful
Saturday, March 17, 2007
11:51PM
i hate people sometimes
if you're gonna tell someone for 2 weeks that you're gonna be visiting his/her college for the weekend and that u wanna hang out with them while you're up there, follow through with what you say.
i am so disappointed with jon it's not even funny. i really thought i had gotten it right this time. in the end though, it was mostly my fault. i shouldnt have confided in a friend i knew that was a big mouth otherwise it never would have gotten out that i liked him and i wouldnt have acted like i was 12.
before today's debacle i was really thinkin about just letting it go. at least i kno where i stand now though which is good. it's gonna be hard but i'll get over it.
Current mood: disappointed
Thursday, March 15, 2007
funny when tragedy puts things into perspective.
just found out my friend has cancer. it's not an aggressive/severe kind, it has an 85% cure rate but there's still that 15% chance that something might go wrong. u just never expect someone u know. . especially a 19 year old to get somethin like that
this just puts yet another damper on my mood. this whole week ive been in a really bad/depressing mood. just everything seems to be going wrong. i failed my test which i studied really hard for, i did ok on another easy test, i was up at 7 am to register for an anatomy class @ o.c.c when their whole computer system went down so now im stuck in a nite anatomy class @ orchard ridge which messes up my whole work schedule and if i dont take the class im screwed for my classes @ cmu which would cause me to push back my graduation to 09, ive been eating nonstop, my neighbors are annoying as hell, cmu basketball is getting on my nerves again.
this is when i really miss my dog. for some reason whenever im in a bad mood she knows it and just comes and cuddles with me. i really miss her.
Current mood: depressed
Sunday, January 28, 2007
i was watching tyra the other day at 3 in the morning and she issued a weight loss challenge to 6 girls. There were 3 different diet people so there were 3 teams. 1 team had dr.ian from celebrity fit club, another had this chick who counted calories, and the 3rd was a raw food diet lately. Dr.ian won. I always wondered what the people on c.f.c did and now im able to.
I went to Midland to the Barnes n Noble to get his Fat Smash diet. Im starting it next sunday. Instead of throwing out all my food, its easier just to eat it all this week and start it sunday. its 4 phases. the 1st phase is detoxing.. . its basically nothing but fruits n veggies for 9 days. im gonna die but im hoping this is gonna work.
i got about 3 months till the end of the semester. i think dte opens in april or june= shorts time.
wish me luck. this is gonna b hard as hell
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
this semester is going to kill me.
i hate it here. ive made friends but i can never hang out because of school. . .im not kidding it's seriously kicking my ass. im sick of my roommates(well just 2 of them in particular and that's including the freeloader).
i miss work. well not so much work but the money. i mean i just got a $260 check for 3 days of work which was only about 20 hours.
and i 4got how cute jon was. saw him at work over the weekend. apparently he kept asking carrie if i still liked him. DUHHHH. i only giggle and act like im 12 around him. i really wish he would have gone back to central this year. that would have been super.
i think big john hates me- again. i havent called/asked to hang out with him and i have repeatedly told him im dating someone even though that's a boldface lie. u cant treat me like that buddy and u had plenty of chances. unless im in dire need and want to get some, im not calling you.
im tired. and thank gawd basketball is almost over
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